At my physical breaking point for the week and it's only early (1am early) Wednesday morning.

Great.

My favorite part of philosophy is the walk back with you.

I feel like shit.

Pretty certain I just unintentionally hurt a really nice guy. This is a horrible feeling and not how this night should have gone at all. It feels like I'm falling apart at the seams.

This whole "I can't figure out what I'm feeling" thing is getting old pretty quickly.

It'd be great if my head and my heart could be on the same page.

I'm so sick of not knowing what I want.

Nice work.

You making me miss you less and less.

I wish part of me would stop waiting for you to change though. I want to believe the best in people, but maybe you should be the exception. Is this really how it's going to be for the next three years?

I still would have liked you if your name had been Cunningham. How could I not have?

If only there was more summer left.

I hope this is at least the beginning of a beautiful friendship, because saying goodbye for now is so much easier than saying goodbye forever.

Proximity is an awfully attractive quality in a guy right now.

Maybe I don't have it all under control.

I don't want to accept this.

This can't be reality.

I don't know if I can't go to sleep or I'm just afraid to.

As I began peeling the photos off my wall, I had the most surreal feeling of attachment- not to the photos themselves though, but to them being up on my wall; to the sequence I put them in so many months ago; to the 16x9 door room which has been my home for the past several months. The people in the picture feel so distant. High school seems so long ago. LMU is all I know right now, and it carries my heart. Though I cannot wait for summer, I am really unsure of what it will bring. I will return to my city, I know that much. Hopefully, it will be a summer of reconnected friendships, a summer of exploration, a summer of employment, a summer of family, a summer of planning, a summer of fun.

This will be a summer of discovery, and more importantly rediscovery.

I want you to want me.

But clearly, you don't... so I'm done.

It hurts too much, and I'm always left feeling like an idiot.

So, congratulations, you win once again.

If you ever decide to smarten up and stop being so scared, you're going to have to win me back.

I know the decision was probably for the best, but I still miss your arms, your voice, your soul.

Our closeness feels lost, but maybe it will return one day.

And if not, at least we shall have a beautiful friendship.

Tears visited me twice, and knocked at my door twice more.

Today was a trial.

But somehow the day ended with laughter. All is not lost.

I am exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.

You say everything is fine, but then why does it feel so different?

I have a tendency to over analyze things.

Not a good habit.

I don't want a label...

I just want you.

I'm afraid our timing will screw us over.

But hopefully I'm wrong.

You make me go fjskddsawhiefeoiajkdlm.

My serious lack of focus concerns me.

Today was beyond my wildest dreams.

I wish I could just say yes to everyone, because every single person I have talked to in each is absolutely amazing and genuine. I want to know everyone. I want to hug everyone.

Deep down I know this is the right decision, but I just have to be one hundred percent sure, because this will not just influence my next four years, but the rest of my life.

Every time I see you, I have the strong urge to swoop by your side and place my hand in yours.

I know I'm being completely irrational, and I don't understand how I am so spellbound by a boy I've never met before, but here I am.

Hopefully, this doesn't end in utter disaster.

There's nothing like a Bulls home game.

Today I went to an away game in LA, where we played the Clippers.

We played pretty well, I had a good time, and we won but I miss Benny and I miss the animated bulls charging through downtown; I miss the fog machines for the starting lineup; the music- that buildup of the charge, of the names; I miss the Dunkin Donut races and the speeding water trucks; I miss roaring with a crowd that is my own; I miss the sea of red, black, and white; I miss half time shows that can be completely random or blow your mind; I miss the noise-o-meter before the fourth quarter; I miss the floating inflatable Benny; I even kinda miss the LuvaBulls- kinda;

I miss it all.

I miss home.

BOOM.

I don't remember the last time I wanted something this bad.

It feels so right.

I can only hope.

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

It can come out of nowhere.

The end of my freshman year, I decided I wanted to take photography. I went to my guidance counselor to give her the classes I had decided on for next year.

She typed it into the computer and realized that photography could not fit.

It started with a few tears, and before I knew it I was balling.

My breathing became short and tense, and the tears, good Lord, I could not stop the tears. I was in her office for a whole period, just overwhelmed. I mean it didn't help that her eyes were trying to pierce into my soul.

I really had no legitimate reason to cry, but once I started I couldn't stop.

That happened again today. I'm afraid I scared a bank teller, Peggy, with them, but honestly she gave me the most skeptical look as I approached her- like I was a child in an adult's world. Honey, I am 18, please do not underestimate me.

Back to the story- the tears started and then they also couldn't stop again. I was in such a public place, I wanted them to stop, willed them to stop.

I avoided eye contact with everyone.

I avoided contact.

It was easier.